


Tell me where to go when the love has died

by Circa1353



Category: Carmen Sandiego (Cartoon 2019), Carmen Sandiego - Fandom, Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Backstory, Child Death, Divorce, F/M, Graphic Description of Corpse, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Or Is It?, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2019-10-21 11:00:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17641520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Circa1353/pseuds/Circa1353
Summary: He never hated those stars. They where each strategically put up by him to show constellations and planets. He loved putting them up, a very pregnant Marie Ann smiling as he told her about the history of each one. He loved those damn stars.But now... as they dimly illuminated his limp daughters face, he wanted nothing more but to tear those fuckers down.





	1. nacimiento/muerte

**Author's Note:**

> I was sad and wrote this.  
> Lyrics for name from Borders by St. Beauty

The stained glass, lit the floor of the church, pinks, reds, greens, blues, and yellows illuminate the whole cathedral-like an elegant Christmas tree.

The chapel was his choice, He wasn't as religious as he was as a child but he wanted both families to be happy so one of the prettiest churches in France had to do.

He wasn't sure if he wanted to get married, but what other choice did he have? She was an exchange student from New York and they had dated for a year (long enough for everyone to claim they were high school sweethearts) and their world seems sold on their relationship. So they were married, he loved her.

But any reservations about the marriage had to be locked away, the organ began the loud tune of “here comes the bride”. He silently prayed to the crucifix behind him that the squirming in his gut would evaporate, leave and never return.

(It didn't.)

He was supposed to feel his breath leave his body, he was supposed to be in complete awe of his bride-to-be, but the most he felt was a ‘she's really pretty’, he was supposed to be floating, not wanting to get his own wedding over with! He knew they weren't the match made in heaven but he was in the air force and had no next-of-kin. So here he was...

Whatever he loved her with all his heart, that's all that mattered. (Even if the vows felt hollow)

~

Okay so maybe he wasn’t as in love as he convinced himself he was, but it didn’t matter, because Marie Ann gave him the best gift of his life,

Estrella.

He remembers the day Marie Ann told him she was pregnant, he was eating cereal at 7:12 am on the dot, he was up to early on a Saturday;

“Bonjour, la Mignonne.” He spoke, still, a little hung over from the previous night, they had gone to his best friend and old bunkmate from when he was in the air force, Garrett Bordeaux, house party. He had drunk more than he should have and forgot most of the moments from the night before.

“Eh, um, can we talk?” She asked, nervous about something. When she was nervous she would always twiddle her engagement ring around, spinning the small diamond around her ring finger. He noticed she did this when she was nervous or lying (or both).

“Yeah I’m just eating frosties-“ He gestured with his spoon to the bowl of Frosted Flakes. Eating them was a habit he had picked up since moving to the UK with her for her job. They were pretty big in the UK and he liked the sugary cereal, he usually enjoyed the American cereal that wasn’t always sold in the UK, stuff that was way to sugary to be healthy for you. He also eats mentos, he likes the way his breath smelt after, and the chilly feeling when he drank water after eating the mint ones.

“-Okay good.” She sat down across from him, in their small little table in their house. They lived not too far outside London, but far enough that the city lights didn’t drown out the stars.

“Did... did you notice I wasn’t drinking last night?”

Yes of course he did. He wasn't dumb after all, he noticed she didn’t drink any actual alcohol the whole night, and quickly after the party, she escaped to the pharmacy before driving a completely drunken him home- 

Oh 

OH!

“Oui.” Was all he could muster out, no she couldn’t, or she could, or maybe-

“I’m pregnant.”

Milk came out his nose.

~

Mary Ann was two months pregnant when he had come up with the name, it was a starry night, they both laid up looking at the stars together in their tiny backyard, just enough room for their little munchkin to run around. 

Now Chase wouldn’t ever be the one to tell you this (because he's NOT a nerd) but as well as being in the French Air Force, he majored in history and minored in language. Finished with a degree in History and Spanish, when he was 24 he had both under his belt. He would give long lectures to family and friends about the history of their counties, the traditions around them and the ways their lives were shaped by past events. Oh but god forbid anyone else would tell him the info he already knew, it would drive him crazy. 

But you know what he loves the most?

Stars.

The vastness of it all attracted him.

He was probably overthinking this, he needed to this smaller. The name for is kid had to be perfect, He had the gut feeling that it was a girl, and he wasn't sure why. It just seemed to be what the baby was going to be. He didn't mind and besides- he heard raising boys (especially Devireaux's) was hell, so he was thankful if the baby turned out to be a girl. He looked back up and it hit him.

Star- no, no, Estrella.

He smiled, turning his head to Mary Ann,

“How do you like the name Estrella?”

She beamed a big, with a toothy grin, “I love it, it's perfect.”

And for once he didn't have to convince himself he was in love with Mary Ann, he didn't have to worry and be concerned, he could breathe a breath of relief, he could have it all, the wife, a kid, a good job. 

He was happy.

~

As a parent, you are prone to worrying about everything, all the time, always. Genetic disorders, illnesses, birth defects, injuries, pain in general for your kid. Chase worried up a storm when Mary Ann was six months into her pregnancy, he really started to freak out. Room colors, themes, crib size, so on so forth. He was constantly teased about his excessive baby proofing before the baby was even born. Once they finally decide on the name Estrella, Chase decided on space/star themed room. A planet mobile, pictures, and drawings of planets, stars and astronauts, and he put stars on the high calling of the room.

He still worried though, even if it was perfect.

~

The first night they brought Estrella it was the quietest it's ever been. The streets were empty, not one house in their neighborhood had a light on leaving only the street lights to keep the neighborhood from being in the dark. Chase drive slowly through the neighborhood, Mary Ann sleeping in the passenger seat and a newborn Estrella in the back. He drove a slow as possible, taking any chance to turn around and see her little face. She had black fluff on the top of her head complementing her darker tone, she took after her mom and because she's a newborn she's not that pigmented yet and eventually, her skin would get darker. Even though she was a newborn he could see some of his features on her face, a slightly bigger nose, big eyebrows, and long eyelashes. She would be gorgeous, her eyes were closed but when he held her after she was cleaned when she first was born, her brown orbs met his, and she stopped crying;

“Ha- Chase I think she knows you're her daddy.” Mary Ann said in an exasperated tone but cut her some slack, she had just pushed a healthy seven-pound eight-ounce baby girl out of her body.

He helped a sleepy Mary Ann unbuckle and guided her to the short stairs of their garage, not really paying attention to her, as he continued to quickly turn around to keep an eye on his newborn.

“I got- I got it from here Chase.” Mary Ann slurred as she entered the garage door into their house, Chase gave her a thankful kiss on the forehead and she was on her way.

He slowly removed the car seat form the back seat and walked with it to her room.

He held her in her new room like she was made of fine china, so delicate. He held her for hours, talking about every bit of history that relates to her, the US revolution, the French revolution, him and the meeting of her mom, the history of midwives, the development of Spanish, the stories of each constellation he put on the ceiling of her room, the names of each one in different languages and cultures. He talked for hours till the sun was fully up, she had been half-asleep the whole night. He never loved a human more.

~

The night his life went to hell, it was Mary Ann's turn to feed and take care of the baby, but he went for her. Deep down he wishes he made her go check. It was a chilly November evening, the sky was starless that night, hidden by the clouds in the sky. Looking back on it Chase found it ironic that there were no stars, whatever deity was watching over seemed to have a sick sense of humor. He walked slowly into the room, vision and mind clogged by sleep deprivation. He shuffled his feet and lazily opened the door, the humidifier still running, a little moon night light and the little glow in the dark stars on the ceiling illuminating the room. 

He waddled over to the crip, Estrella’s eyes were closed. He picked her up and his eyes shot open.

A baby should never be that cold.

He looked down at her in her little dark blue swaddle, little yellow stars decorated the fabric, her mouth and eyes were closed, she was un-moving and unresponsive. She was the slightest tint of blue. Her little eyelashes sat on her cheek. In death she is ghostly pale, her lips already bluish. Though her eyes are closed she doesn't have the appearance of sleep, even in deep slumber, there are tiny movements and a healthy glow to the skin. Her rosy cheek had gone complexion waxy and pale. The mouth that gurgled and smiled in her life lies stiff and agape. She lay in his arms, the closeness of her body seeping into his arms and the feeling not leaving. She had been dead for a while, the coldness of her little body showing that the cold moves into his arms only to meet the warmth of his blood, he feels it wash over his warm skin, again and again, only to be met by the beat of his heart, again and again.  
She was only a ripe four months, but she never got to see the end of November, and will never see Christmas. 

He just stared, shaking violently but not being able to move, she shook with hands but didn't move- it made him want to vomit. 

He moved he closer cupping her head and holding her body to his, her little head sitting under his ear and on his shoulder. Then he screamed like a wounded animal, the sound pierced the silence. He was sure he had to be dying, his lungs screamed for air, his throat throbbed and his head was spinning, it was the end. The world turned into a blur, and so did all the sounds. The taste. The smell. Everything was just gone. He moved her down and his eyes followed; 

He never hated those stars. They where each strategically put up by him to show constellations and planets. He loved putting them up, a very pregnant Marie Ann smiling as he told her about the history of each one. He loved those damn stars.

But now... as they dimly illuminated his limp daughters face, he wanted nothing more but to tear those fuckers down.

Mary Ann's footsteps filled the hall, a noise coming back to his ears, the door which was wide open filled with the figure of Mary Ann's thick, natural hair, making a dome over her shadows head. She looked at him and said something around the lines of “I'm calling an ambulance,” but all he heard where muffles. He cradled his baby and cried.

~

When the ambulance arrived, they pronounced her dead at the scene, they were trying to take her for future autopsy but Chase held her with a firm grip and refused to let go. He was sitting, back against the crib, daughter coddled in his arms, his big hands holding her gingerly but with strength.

“Mr. Devineaux please, I know this is hard but she's gon-” The medic begin

“-I wanted her.” Chase interrupted “I wanted her why I wanted her why’d she-” 

“Mr. Devineaux, you can't do her any good anymore but letting go-”

“Why!? I wanted her, I loved her why I wanted, I loved her, what-what did I do wrong?” He begged for an answer in someone who couldn't tell him the 100% factual truth, but the medic looked him in the eyes and clasped a hand on his open shoulder.

“Sometimes, babies just die. I'll let you say some last words- but then I have to take her sir.” The medic stood up and walked a ways back, talking to another one about something Chase couldn't hear. He looked down at his little baby.

It was time. He knew would come sooner or later but dreaded it nonetheless. He knew if he said goodbye it would all have to be true, she would really have to be gone. Chase had to say goodbye to the only person that he felt unconditionally loved and happy with. How was he supposed to just do it without feeling like he had lost a part of himself? He looked at his baby and whispered a soft and quiet lullaby.

“Estrellita, ¿dónde estás? Quiero verte cintilar, en el cielo, sobre el mar.Un diamante de verdad.Estrellita, ¿dónde estás?Quiero verte cintilar.” 

And with that, he let go of the firm grip he had on her body.

~

The months followed where a blur.

His wife cheated on him with his best friend, so that's fun. 

He didn't really feel anything but emptiness and sorrow for his daughter, so the divorce hearings didn't drag him through the mud. (Sometimes late in the night, it stung)

He got the house, so a win for him he supposed. He was going to sell it anyway.

Mary Ann's eyes told a thousand words, she felt bad but didn't get why. He walked away, without a word when it was all over, he hoped the Mary Ann and Garrett had a good life. 

He spent five hours peeling every star off. 

He drank himself to sleep every night, whiskey is the only thing that he felt anymore, the bringing down his throat and the warm feeling that filled the pit of his stomach to temporarily fill in for its superior feeling-love. He didn't mind. He always felt hungover anyway.

He resigned from the Air Force, joined the Interpol police back home in Paris, he wasn't a good detective but they liked his resume.

He tried to overdose...it didn't work.  
He put his hand on his burner and felt nothing, his hand's charred skin fell off, and it was obvious it was a harmful injury, but he felt nothing.

He felt empty.

~

Until.. the freshness of driving down after a crimson red ghost in the lit up Paris night made his heart pound, until adrenaline filled his veins when he ran after her and upstairs, until fear grew in his stomach when he stood off the steep roof of a Paris house, until he felt the pain of his nose breaking against the windshield of his car. Excitement, adrenaline, fear, pain, things he never thought he could feel ever again, he pushed everyone away, waiting for the perfect opportunity to end it all, but maybe, maybe, this gave him an excuse to hang out for a bit more.

He is reckless with his life, he crashed two cars, got an earful for the chief but who really cares, she won't when he's dead. Or maybe she will?

You never know.

Might as well push everyone away until then.

(But there's one persistent detective that won't be pushed to the side, but Chase doesn't know that yet)


	2. sueño/esperanza

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dreams can bring to light new things you may have never realized.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im going to pretend like i made this on time like i said lmao
> 
> im sorry this is so shitty,,, please forgive me

Her little hands wrapping around his neck for a hug.

He held her softly, she was sitting on his thighs, she was older then learning basic needs but still young. 

A little swimsuit, a yellow star on the middle of the one-piece suit. In front of him laid a small kiddie pool, it was inflatable, toys floated or sank, both brought her joy.

The sun was out, white puffy clouds laid upon the skies. A soft breeze fell along the garden, wrestling the sunflowers and bushes. A giggle escaped her lips. Her legs sank and he felt her head fall to his chest, she was sitting on his lap.

“Te amo papa.” Her soft voice spoke, her thick curls pulled back into a puffball on top of her head. She nuzzles her nose into his chest.

“I love you too Estrella. Tanto mi Hijo.”

The breeze came again, but stronger, the sunflowers wrestled even harder, hitting against each other. The Kiddie pool moved slightly. 

Estrella then talked again, her voice still shaky and young, but she could talk more “papá, ¿tienes Miedo de dejarte ir?”

He doesn't move, and he feels his hand slide over her back. It's wet, from the pool.

(He thinks)

“Papa?”

His throat is tight.

“It's okay.” She says laying in his arms with her head now in the bend in his arm.

“I'm scared, Estrella.” He speaks to the child.

“It's going to be okay, I love you, papa.” She speaks again.

The breeze came again, one of the sunflowers stems broke, the kiddie pool flipped, water and toys spilling out into the grass.

“What do I do?” He cried, he was shaking now, but his young daughter laid still in his arms.

“What do I do without you?” He cried harder, the breeze coming in stronger, everything was blowing, he brought his daughter to his chest and hugged her, squeezing her to his heart.  
“Live, you are meant for more than having me.”

“But how- you were the best thing to happen to me!”

“You too, but think, I lived with someone who loved me so much while I was alive papa- you.”

Chase closed his eyes, the wind got even stronger.

“I've seen what you do to yourself. The pain you put yourself through. It hurts to see papa.”

“Without you I'm nothing.”

“That's not true.”

“Then what do I?”

“Find the people who did this to you. Make sure it never happens again. It's not you versus Carmen- you are both up against a common enemy.”

“The thief?” 

“The returner. Robin hood in red.”

The sky became gray, rain began falling.

“I'm not going anywhere papa, ill still be in the afterlife while you work. So do what you need to and then meet me.”

“I love you.” He hugged her tightly, whispering it in her ear.

“I love you too papa.”

-

Chase wakes up in the hospital. Red stains of blood on his hand that didn't seem to wash off. A sleeping Julia laid in the chair next to him. She was right. There was more to all of this.

And he was going to follow his daughter's wishes,

And figure it out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay well shitty and short but a bit of where I think chase's mentality will start off when eventually the new season airs

**Author's Note:**

> lmao kinda rushed the ending


End file.
